Not sure what to write today. I need your prayers. I'm in such turmoil. My human side feels: mad, used, hurt.....USED....but mostly I've got this horrible pain in my stomach because of the pain that Jordan has caused Allen. I see the pain on Allen's face. Very rarely does Allen give words to his feelings...but when he called me yesterday and said.."I want to apologize to you for putting you through hell for three months." I knew that he was hurting. He feels like he's failed. At a time when we didn't have two dimes to rub together....we put out more than we had. We sacrificed giving our children christmas gifts.....to give Jordan the things that he needed. I'm not saying this for your sympathy. I'm saying it because it seems that every single STINKIN TIME Allen does something to try to do good.........or make money........or do something for God..........it always seems to end up getting thrown back in his face. I can hardly stand it............
Today....Allen is up and going at it again. He'll once again hide all his feelings, put on a brave face.....and go on with his work. He's once again the most patient, nice person to Jordan.....driving him all around.....bought him a sofa for his new apartment.....taking him to see about getting the new apartment. Allen will see to paying all his bills..........he'll try not to let me know...so it doesn't upset me......but he'll keep seeing about Jordan.
OK, I think I need to stop for now. Just please pray that all this will resolve. That I can heal the hurt feelings......that my physical body does not get sick.....it usually does when I get upset. I'm trying really hard to be OK........
Love you all......I wouldn't write all this except that I know you love us ......
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